Rumpelstiltskin
by The Dark Enchantress
Summary: The story of Rumpelstiltskin, but I put some extra stuff in it. Please read it. I hope you think it's funny. Fin.
1. The Begining

Rumpelstiltskin.  
  
*The story of Rumpelstiltskin. Told in my way of course. *  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jeff (The Narrator): So. Here we are again.  
  
Amania: Yep. Another Fairy Tale story. Do you ever get the idea that maybe she's obsessed with fairy tales?  
  
Jeff: Maybe. Just a little. But this story is different.  
  
Amania: I know, but only a little. Or maybe it's because she made it that way?  
  
Jeff: So? Should we just start?  
  
Amania: I guess so. The faster you start, the faster this story will end.  
  
Jeff: Ok.  
  
Once upon a time in a kingdom by the sea, a miller lived with his wife and their beautiful young daughter. Back in those days, they didn't have any last names. So, if there were two Ron's or John's. Or Jeff's, the mail- carrier would get confused while delivering the letters and parcels. So, long story short, they took their profession and made that their last name.  
  
Amania: So if they were a carpenter. Their last name would be Carpenter. Does everybody get it?  
  
Audience: Yes!  
  
Jeff: So. Can you guess what their last name was?  
  
Audience: Miller!?  
  
Jeff: You guessed it. Anyway, back to the story. Did I mention that the miller's daughter was beautiful?  
  
Amania: Heh. Yeah. Thanks.  
  
Jeff: So, anyway. Their home was just a tiny hut, just outside a village. They were so poor.  
  
Audience: How poor were they!!?  
  
Jeff: Well, they were so poor that on many nights the miller and his family would go to bed hungry.  
  
Amania: Yep. Those were some bad times. Is this the Johnny Carson Show, or what?  
  
Jeff: But one afternoon, the king was passing through the village in a horse-drawn carriage, accompanied by his many guards, servants and advisors, all on horseback. Mr. Miller, who was desperate, called out to the king.  
  
The Miller: Your Highness, I have a daughter who knows how to spin straw into gold!  
  
Amania: Yep. That sounds like dear old dad to me. And if I could spin straw into gold, then we wouldn't be poor! Now would we!? Answer me this, answer me that. Sorry, I had a Batman Forever moment there.  
  
The King: Halt!  
  
Jeff: He leaned out the window and stared down at the unhaven, raggedly dressed miller. The king's advisors all laughed.  
  
King's Advisors: Ha ha ha ha.  
  
Jeff: Spin straw into gold? How ridiculous. But the king seemed quite interested.  
  
The King: That is a skill I would greatly admire. Bring your daughter to my castle tomorrow morning. I will give her a test to see if you are telling the truth.  
  
Amania: A test? That was more then one test! That was three!  
  
Jeff: So, anyway, the king then ordered his carriage to move on. A man was standing next to the miller and heard the whole conversation.  
  
Stranger: Have you lost your mind?  
  
Amania: That's what I'd like to know.  
  
Stranger: Nobody can spin straw into gold. The king will punish your daughter when she is unable to do it.  
  
Jeff: The miller knew that this was probably true. But he was so poor and desperate, he had to try something. Some father you had.  
  
Amania: I know. Tell me about it. On the other hand, maybe not.  
  
Jeff: Perhaps the angels would take pity on him and somehow his daughter would perform the miracle of turning straw into gold.  
  
Amania: What! The angels should take pity on me! He was the one who opened his big mouth! How inconsiterate!  
  
Jeff: The next morning the miller walked his young daughter to the front gates of the king's castle.  
  
Amania: Father, I don't know how to spin straw into gold! You know that! The king will be very angry at me.  
  
Jeff: She bagan to tremble and cry softly. Mr. Miller put a comforting arm around his daughter's shoulder.  
  
Mr. Miller: You have been such a very good and brave daughter ever since you have grown up. I know somehow you will succeed at this task.  
  
Amania: Yeah. Right. Whatever.  
  
Guard: The king is waiting for the girl!  
  
Amania: Can't you see we're having a moment here!? Eeeesh! Some people!  
  
Jeff: The father kissed his daughter on the cheek. He wiped a tear from his own eye, and then he turned and quickly walked away. The guard opened the gate and the beautiful girl entered.  
  
Amania: Thanks. You flatter me. You are about the only person who does.  
  
Jeff: Your welcome. Now, on with the story. She had never been in a castle before. And now, here she was actually standing inside the king's own castle. A stern voice came from behind where she stood. Amania whirled around. Standing there was the king. He was dressed in his royal robes and he glared at her with his blazing blue eyes.  
  
Amania: Reminds me of your eyes, Jeff. Of course, your eyes are more fun to look at. And more gently looking.  
  
The king: Follow me, young lady.  
  
Amania: (Saying under her breath.) Hmph. Who is he calling young lady?  
  
Jeff: The king led her up several flights of stairs. He opened a door that led into a room. It had no windows, tables or chairs. The only things in the room were a spinning wheel, a stool, and huge piles of straw all around.  
  
The king: Your father says you can spin straw into gold. This is your chance to prove it. I will return tomorrow morning. If you have not spun every piece of straw in this room into gold, then I will have you sentenced to death. Now begin!  
  
Jeff: The king walked out, slammed the door and locked it behind him.  
  
Amania: Urg! The nerve!!  
  
Jeff: Amania was now alone in the room with the straw and the spinning wheel. 


	2. Part 2

Amania: What am I going to do? I cannot do this impossible chore. I will be a dead girl by tomorrow!  
  
Jeff: She started to pace, when suddenly, she felt a chill. And for a moment the room seemed to turn dark. Then suddenly the door, which had been locked, swung open. A little man entered, and the door closed behind him.  
  
Amania: Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here? The door was locked.  
  
Jeff: She stared at the little man. He was no more than three feet tall and dressed in strange clothes.  
  
Dwarf: Good evening, Mistress Miller. It is better if I ask the questions.  
  
Jeff: His voice was squeaky, and when he spoke, his large red nose seemed to wiggle back and forth.  
  
Amania: *Under her breath* Eww. What do you want to know?  
  
Dwarf: I want to know why such a sweet young girl, such as yourself, is crying so.  
  
Jeff: She's takin' you know! So don't get any ideas!  
  
Amania: *Turns to the narrator*Chill out, will you? *Turns back to the manikin* Alas, I have to spin all this straw into gold by tomorrow morning. If I do not, the king will have me put to death. I am crying because I cannot do it, and tomorrow I shall be dead! (Making a cutting motion on her throat.)  
  
Dwarf: I'll spin the straw into gold for you.  
  
Jeff: The dwarf said, his beady little eyes were staring at her.  
  
Amania: You will? That's soo wonderful. How can I ever thank you? Why did I just say that?  
  
Dwarf: You can give me that silver necklace that you're wearing around your neck.  
  
Jeff: Amania touched the necklace. It had been a gift to her from her dear departed grandmother. But she knew that her grandmother would want her alive.  
  
Amania: I want to be alive too you know.  
  
Jeff: So, Amania took off her necklace and handed it to the little man. He quickly put the necklace into his pocket. Then, he sat down by the spinning wheel. He grabbed a handful of straw, spun it around the wheel very fast, and in moments it had turned into gold. Then he grabbed more straw and continued to spin it into gold. Amania watched in silence as the dwarf continued to spin the straw, and heaps of gold piled up quickly. Soon Amania's eyelids grew heavy. She then fell asleep. When she awoke, it was early morning. The dwarf was gone. Also gone, was the straw. And in its place was tall heaps of gold. 


	3. Part 3

Jeff: Suddenly, the door to the room burst opened and the king and several of his "royal" guards came in.  
  
Amania: Don't these people knock first before they enter a room?  
  
Jeff: You mean, barge?  
  
Amania: Yeah. That too.  
  
The king: This is amazing! You can actually turn straw into gold!  
  
Amania:*Under her breath. Smirks* Shows what you know. (Asking the king.) Can I go home now?  
  
The king: Can you?  
  
Amania: May I go home now?  
  
The king: No!  
  
Amania: *Under her breath* Damn! Thanks a lot Mr. Buller. (Only the people who had him as a teacher would know what I was talking about.)  
  
Jeff: The king then had Amania taken to another room, which was even larger than the first one. It, also, was filled to the ceiling with straw.  
  
The king: You have until this evening to turn all this straw into gold. If you do not, you will be put to death at once!  
  
Jeff: The king and his men then left, locking the door behind them, leaving Amania in the room. Alone. She then begain to moan and cry. Well. Sort of.  
  
Amania: *Yelling* God, damn it! That son of a bitch! How dare he to do this to me! Arggg!! (Throws straw across the room.)  
  
Jeff: Once again there was a whoosh of breeze in the windowless room and a slight chell ran through Amania.  
  
Amania: Hello! There's a window right there!  
  
Jeff: Well, the people out there can't see it!  
  
Amania: Well, now they know about it, don't they?  
  
Jeff: Well, I guess they do.  
  
Dwarf: I will ask for your ring this time.  
  
Jeff: Came a very familiar voice.  
  
Amania: *Sarcasticly* Gee. I wonder who that could be?  
  
Jeff: Standing next to her was the little dwarf. He was staring at the gold ring on Amania's finger. It sounds like your grandmother was rich with all of that jewelry.  
  
Amania: *Turns to narrator Jeff.* Will you be quit? *Turns back to the little man.* This ring was given to me by my grandmother as she lay dying. I promised never to part with it.  
  
Jeff: *Sarcasticly* Sure she did.  
  
Amania: Will you shut up?  
  
Jeff: And then what happend to all of her stuff?  
  
Amania: We had a garage sale, ok?  
  
Jeff: And what happend to all of the money that you made?  
  
Amania: My dad had a little gambling problem. Ok?  
  
Jeff: Oh.  
  
I think we should get back to the story.  
  
Amania: That's a good idea.  
  
Dwarf: Then you will part with your own life if you don't give me that ring. You either give me the ring, or I won't turn the straw into gold.  
  
Amania: I thought you might say that.  
  
Jeff: There was nothing Amania could do. She took off her ring, stared at it through tearstained eyes, and handed it to the dwarf. How sad. He quickly dropped the ring into his pocket, sat down at the spinning wheel, and again began spinning the straw into gold. The wheel spun so fast, that it made Amania dizzy.  
  
Amania: Actually, it would make me mum dizzy.  
  
Jeff: Me mum?  
  
Amania: I got a British accent here!  
  
Jeff: Ok. Fine. She then closed her eyes. When she opened her eyes hours later, the little man was gone. The entire room was filled with gold. All the way up to the ceiling!  
  
Amania: *Sarcasticly* No shit!  
  
Jeff: Ok, ok. The king and his men burst into the room.  
  
Amania: Well, I guess knocking isn't an option.  
  
The king: This is magnificent! There is one more room filled with straw. You will turn it all into gold tonight, and after you have done that, I shall reward you.  
  
Amania: (Under her breath.) Well, I guess they don't doubt that I can spin straw into gold. And I bet they had it filled when I was locked in here. (Turns to the king.) Reward me how?  
  
The king: I shall make you my wife.  
  
Jeff: The king said as he touched the gold.  
  
The king: You shall become the queen of this realm.  
  
Jeff: He turned to his servants.  
  
The king: Take her to the large room so she may begin at once!  
  
Amania: Oh, so no fancy name for that room.  
  
Jeff: As the terrified Amania was led away, the king laughed.  
  
The king: She may only be a miller's daughter, but she's made me the richest man on earth!  
  
Jeff: Amania was led into the huge room. It was begger than the first two rooms put together. There was more straw in this room than she had ever seen in her life. The servants closed the door and locked it behind them.  
  
Amania: I don't want to be his wife. I don't want to be the queen of this realm. All he could have done was have a ball or something like they always do. I love another. *Turns to the narrator, and smiles at him.* And if he is a king, then shouldn't he be rich already? Where does all this straw come from?  
  
Jeff: Don't look at me! I'm just doing my job. And speaking of jobs.  
  
Again, there was the rush of air and her skin turned ice cold for a moment. The dwarf was standing next to the spinning wheel.  
  
Dwarf: What will you give me this time to spin all this straw into gold?  
  
Amania: Well, I have no more jewelry. You have taken all that I have.  
  
Dwarf: Well. There is one thing that you can give me.  
  
Amania: Oh? And what is that?  
  
Dwarf: A promise.  
  
Amania: A promise? Uh oh. This sounds familiar. Doesn't it Jeff? This is just like that time the witch said that to the husband in Rapunzel. And look where that ended up.  
  
Jeff: She was both surprised and worried.  
  
Amania: What could I possibly promise you?  
  
Dwarf: You promise me that if I spin all this straw into gold that you will give me your first born child when you become queen.  
  
Jeff: Amania stared at the strange little man. Give him her baby? At this moment having a child was the last thing on her mind. I sure hope so. Staying alive was her only concern right now.  
  
Amania: I guess so. If the king marries me, and I give birth to a baby, you have my promise that I will give you the child. But I really love another. And I don't want to have sex with some old guy! Not even if he is a king! Eewww!  
  
Jeff: With that promise given, the dwarf sat down at the spinning wheel, and soon what had begun as straw was now being turned into pure gold. The next morning the king entered the large room. He could not believe his eyes. There was more gold in this room than anywhere else in the entire world.  
  
The king: You have done well, me dearest.  
  
Amania: Was there any doubt?  
  
Jeff: The king took the beautiful Amania's hand into his. It should be me doing that!  
  
Amania: What's stopping you?  
  
The king: I am very pleased with you. Take her to her new room.  
  
Jeff: As soon as she was alone, something strange began to happen! There was a burst of smoke and then came a lovely figure of a lady. She was dressed in a flowing green gown. It was non other then, The Dark Enchantress.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: It is I! The Dark Enchantress.  
  
Amania: Hey there, Dark Enchantress! Good to see you again.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Well, if you wanted to see me, then you could of just looked in the mirror. But that is beside the point of why I am here.  
  
Jeff: You know, I have never personaly thanked you for what you did.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: No problem. I believe that every one should live happily ever after. Except for the people that have been mean and evil.  
  
Amania: So. Why are you here?  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I am here because you are not going to marry the king.  
  
Amania: Because?  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Because, you love another. Isn't that right?  
  
Amania: *Turns to Jeff.* Yes.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: So. Here is what I entend to do. Tonight, I will switch places with you. That way I marry the king instead of you and then you can marry whoever you want. I already know what happens at the end of this srory and I entend to put it to rights.  
  
Amania: Wow. That sounds like a great plan.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Well, I sure hope so because I was the one who thought of it. So go on! Get out of here before they detect that something is wrong. I will give you invisibility.  
  
Jeff: So, off she went to fulfill her destiny. 


	4. Part 4.

Jeff: The wedding was held the next evening. It was a large and grand affair. The people of the kingdom danced, dined, laughed, and were stunned at the gold that adorned every corner of every room of the castle. Well, they should be. And the king did not know that he actually married The Dark Enchantress since they both look exactly the same. In exactly one year later, The Dark Enchantress, now the queen, gave birth to a baby boy. By now she had completely forgotten about the little dwarf and the promise she had made to him.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Ah, but that would only happen if I was the miller's daughter. But I am not. I am The Dark Enchantress. I know all.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress was in her room, cradling her new baby in her arms, when she felt a rush of air and a cold chill filled the room.  
  
Dwarf: I'll take that baby now. He belongs to me.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress looked down. Standing near the foot of her bed was the dwarf.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: You musn't. I'll give you anything else you ask. Gold, money, diamonds, horses, land, anything. But do not take my darling baby from me.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress began to cry.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I'm faking it by the way.  
  
Jeff: Now, the dwarf was a mysterious fellow.  
  
Amania: I should say so.  
  
Jeff: But he had feelings.  
  
Amania: Whatever.  
  
Jeff: He understood how badly the young queen felt about giving up her baby.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Yeah right.  
  
Dwarf: I will make a deal with you. I'll give you a chance to keep your baby. If you can guess my name within the next three days, then you may keep your baby, and I will disappear from your life forever.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Won't this be fun.  
  
Dwarf: But if you cannot guess my name, then the baby is mine.  
  
Jeff: She then realized she had no choise but to accept the dwarf's offer.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I accept.  
  
Dwarf: Good. I will return tomorrow. Let us see if you've guessed my name by then.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Oh this is going to be so much fun.  
  
Jeff: The dwarf then left.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I already know what his name is. But I'm going to make him wait.  
  
Jeff: The next day the dwarf returned.  
  
Dwarf: Well? What do you think my name is?  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Is it Kaspar?  
  
Jeff: The little man shook his head no.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Is it Melchoir? Balthazar? That sounds almost like Cole on Charmed. Therig?  
  
Jeff: To each name, the dwarf said:  
  
Dwarf: That is not my name. That's all for today. I'll return tomorrow. You have only two more days left to guess what my name is.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Ha, ha, ha, ha. I already know what his name is.  
  
Jeff: By the time the dwarf returned on the second day, The Dark Enchantress had a long list of men's names.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Just for the hell of it.  
  
Jeff: She began to read off the names.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Ribsobeef? Beefstew? Muttonchops? Sounds like a recipy to me. Spindlewheel? Strawman?  
  
Jeff: To each name the little man shook his head no.  
  
Dwarf: That's all the guesses you get today. I'll return tomorrow. Remember, tomorrow is your third and final day to guess my name.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I know, I know.  
  
Jeff: As The Dark Enchantress was getting ready for bed, one of her servants entered her chamber.  
  
Servent: Your ladyship, I have seen a strange thing. I was climing one of the far mountains, looking for anyone who might know the name of the strange dwarf. I approached a cottage, and saw a fire burning outside it. A weird little man was dancing around the fire and singing:  
  
Today I'll brew, tomorrow I'll bake,  
  
Soon I'll have the queen's namesake.  
  
Oh, how hard it is to play my game  
  
When Rumpelstiltskin is my name.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress was pleased with the servant that she gave him two pounds of gold as a reward. Then she fell into a restful sleep, and waited for the light of day. The next morning The Dark Enchantress awoke. The curtains in her chamber swayed to a silent breeze and a chilling numbness passed through her. She knew the dwarf had arrived.  
  
Dwarf: Today is the third day. Guess my name, or I leave with your baby.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress smiled.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Is it Kunz?  
  
Dwarf: Not even close.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Could it be Heinz? Ha, like heinze ketchup.  
  
Dwarf: No.  
  
Jeff: He was now by the bed, leaning over and reaching to pick up the baby.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: I don't want his grubby hands on my baby! Then I'll try one last name. If I'm wrong, then my dear baby is yours.  
  
Dwarf: I'm waiting  
  
Jeff: His hands was now almost touching the baby.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: *To herself * Unsanitary. I'm guessing your name is Rumpelstiltskin.  
  
Jeff: She was now almost laughing at the dwarf. He spun around, his face was filled with disbelief.  
  
Rumpelstiltskin: The devil told you, the devil told you!  
  
The Dark Enchantress: No he didn't.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress was now laughing out load as he stomped his foot down so hard it went clear through the floor. He screamed out in anger, grabbed his other foot with both his hands, and in a fit of rage tore himself completely in half. Then he disappeared.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: No wonder these stories were not especially for children.  
  
Jeff: The Dark Enchantress huged her baby in he arms, and knew that now he won't bother her ever again. And lived happily ever after.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Or did we?  
  
Jeff: After a week later, the king died. Of unexplained terms. And soon The Dark Enchantress ruled over the kingdom.  
  
Amania: That sounds very suspicious.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Oh, does it now?  
  
Amania: Yes it does.  
  
The Dark Enchantress: Well, I assure you that he is probably happier where he is now, then he would be here.  
  
Amania: Well, if you say so.  
  
Jeff: And we all lived happily ever after. Untill next time.  
  
  
  
* I hoped you liked that story. I might make another one. Maybe I am obsessed.* =) 


End file.
